| I'm starting to understand what it's like to think you know yourself completely only to realize you've changed somewhere along the way. I used to think I had this very guarded stage with very defined rules and boundaries. Some of the rules made sense, some didn't make any sense at all, and almost all were fueled by insecurity. For example, I usually don't eat much at all around people I'm not familiar with. I can't sleep around new people either. If I don't really know you, I'll avoid confrontation and usually just disappear, get mad off on my own, and come back eventually when I'm mostly over it. I'm not completely honest until I realize you're not going to leave me either way.
Tonight I'm beginning to realize that somewhere along the way, those rules became irrelevant. One of our first dates, he played chef and made a whole meal for me that I proceeded to eat in front of him (easily!). The first night he stayed over, I snuggled up and slept like a baby. That boggled my mind. Then after the first bad day, I got upset and was about to pack up and run away. A couple hours later, he managed to get me to spill what was going on in my head and within another hour, we had talked through it and left smiling :) I'm still skeptical enough to refrain hoping for *too* much, but the hopeless romantic in me is still hopeful.
I always thought God had a sense of humor, and I'm wondering if this is his way of making up for all the shit from earlier this year. For all the heartache, he's quickly making up for it with this amazing guy who for some unknown reason wants to be with someone as broken as me...
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| 10/18/2009 the first 10/30/2009 official :) |
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